Today I finished reading a book called A life too short by Ronald Reng. It’s based on the life of former German international goalkeeper Robert Enke who sadly committed suicide in 2009 after two major bouts of depression.

It really freaked me out to discover than he and I aren’t too different in terms of our personalities. I’ll say now that there’s no way I’m about to commit suicide or do anything like that but I’ve had my low moments and to read that the way we both dealt with them are very similar.

At the back end of last year I was so utterly miserable. I don’t know if it was a clinical depression as I have nothing to compare it to, but I wasn’t very fun to be around. And looking back I had nothing to be depressed about, I was just exhausted after a long, hard year, and as soon as the clock struck 12 on New Years Eve I was fine again.

It’s more than fair to say I’ve had it tougher this year. After the stresses of moving house whilst writing a dissertation and being in a band that ate up a lot of time I was already on edge. Then in June I lost a very dear friend of mine, rather unexpectedly. I’m still unsure as to whether I’ve grieved properly, to me he’s still there and I often reach for my phone to text him when I’ve thought of something amusing, or to ask him a question I know he’ll know the answer to only to remember that he won’t answer. 

Coming to terms with losing him has been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do and I’m not there yet, nowhere near, actually, and I’ve never know a sadness like it. Add to this my frustrating search for meaningful employment only serves to give me a long running anxiety. I haven’t felt right for so long.

I’ve never been rejected so frequently as I have these past two months.

But, I don’t feel depressed this time. I don’t know if it’s because I know if I do stop then I’ll just lose it or if it’s because I’m desperate not to let life slip away that I’ve had to show true character. I’m all out of luck at the moment and it gets me down, sure, but I have to carry on, I must carry on.

I hate admitting stuff like this. I’m a strong silent type, like Gary Cooper (10 points if you get the reference there!) and broadcasting these feelings on something like Tumblr usually annoys me when others do it. But this is my place to outlet these thoughts. I’ve had a fucking weird day and nobody’s in the house but me, just needed to get it out, y’know?